I can't say for sure how long after COMPLETELY discontinuing MIRAPEX in 5/09 it took for the overwhelmingly intense feelings to gamble to go away. Maybe a week, or two, or more. I don't remember. However I can say it didn't completely 'just go away' nor did I return to normal like I'd hoped.
Today I'm MIRAPEX free (or at least assume I am). Today I somewhat have my own mind back (or at least assume I do). But today I'm now fighting an ongoing gambling addiction. It seems like for most people in the MIRAPEX stories I've read that soon after they stopped taking MIRAPEX or lowered the dose their compulsion/obsession’s were simply gone. They were cured of their addictions and/or craziness. For me it was just the extreme intensity of the compulsion that was no longer there but a very strong desire to gamble remained.
Who I was before taking MIRAPEX?
Who I was while on MIRAPEX?
Before MIRAPEX there was little, if any real interest in the casino. Years previously I’d occasionally go to the casino for dinner or occasionally quickly stop in (when passing by on my way to work a weekend job 2000-2003) and throw a few dollars in a slot machine. When I say a few dollars I’m talking literally dollar bills. At the most, very most I spent on slots was 20.00. And if I ever did spend 20.00 - that was a HUGE amount for me to part with. While on MIRAPEX the compulsion to go to the casino was irrational and completely out of control. Getting to the casino (going out of my way to get there) and playing the slot machines was all I could think about. And it wasn't just a few dollars, or a quick stop in but it was literally feeding 5.00 bills, 10.00 bills, 20.00 dollar bills, 50.00 bills, 100.00 dollar bills into the slots and HOURS later.
Before MIRAPEX after I wasn't taking the drive to get to work passing the casino on the way, the casino seemed so far away (about 30 mns) and not a drive interesting me in the least especially to just go to the casino to gamble. It wasn't even a thought ONCE that I entertained. Dinner yes, but to gamble?? No way. While on MIRAPEX my heart would just be beating with excitement during the drive to the casino. I remember in the early days under its complete influence asking my youngest son in my crazed mania if his heart was just a beating too. I couldn't get there fast enough. Going to the casino soon became just a hop, skip and a jump even at those times when I was an hour+ away.
While on MIRAPEX as soon as I parked my car I would just book-it’ into the casino and sit right down and then proceed to sit and sit there for hours. In one instance on New Years Eve 09' I spent 23 hours sitting in front of one slot machine – ok two slot machines as I moved over to the next one at some point. On this particular ‘stop in for a few minutes’ after the 1st five hours there I wouldn't answer my phone anymore when the boyfriend tried to calling me - I was suppose be meeting him that evening. While he was worried sick - I ended up with a bladder infection. Before MIRAPEX if I would have started behaving in that manner I would have questioned my sanity the very first time, and can almost bet it would have been my last time too. Infact shortly before I started going to the casino, the time in between initially starting MIRAPEX and my first casino trip, I was lecturing my two youngest sons (18 & 20) about their going to the casino..."Its really not a place you want to hang out at sons, (in an area now believed to be somewhat unsafe and that they weren't raised that way)…and watch it so it doesn’t get out of hand.” I believe my youngest son feels a little guilty today as it was him who brought me to the casino the first time.
It wasn't me, it was the influence of a drug. I can now clearly see that.
And who am I today?
My thoughts since MIRAPEX has not all been about 'going to the casino' - (well kinda) but more recently its "How/when is this nightmare finally going to stop?" Today my heart doesn't so rapidly beat on the way to the casino but now beats ever rapidly when I leave - on the drive home - knowing how much money I just blew AGAIN, knowing that a week before, a month before, if I would have just stopped the further this part of my life would have been from me. Today when I park my car at the casino I'm not running in but take a few minutes to tell myself ..."Make this quick, if you can't - this has to be the last time..." Today I feel shame, not excitement.
But regardless of it all, in order for me to get past this and move on I need to accept responsibility for my actions TODAY and admit I now have a serious gambling problem. The bottom line is despite who or what caused it - the fact remains its here and hasn't just 'gone away.' I can choose to blame MIRAPEX and use it as a rationale why I'm still gambling but that isn't going to solve my problem even if there is some truth in it.
"Hi, my name is 'mirapexvictim' and I'm a gambling addict."
Today it isn't being under the influence of a drug, its me. I can now clearly see that – not really but it just sounds good and kinda flows with what I wrote above. Today is not who I was before MIRAPEX and today is not who I want to be.
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