The last time I was here

The last time I found myself reading my blog here was a few months back when my ex-boyfriend, who I mention in this blog, got married.  At that time,  I found myself writing a very sincere wish to him and his new wife on 'their blog'  (of course I was writing my wishes  against my better judgement in the 1st place)... Anyhow when I went to hit post (thought I could do it anonymously) I would have signed it as 'mirapex victim  -  as that is my blogger name here.  I freaked out as I didn't want myself and this blog linked to anywhere, let alone on their blog. When I seen my name 'mirapex victim' I  felt led to come back here for a quick trip down a very painful journey of memories.  Part of me wishes that this journal didn't exist as its all a part of my past I've moved on from and don't care to ever revisit. Each time I have had to think about THIS, (and its not too often anymore) the pain is still very fresh like it happened yesterday.  A huge part of my recovery has been just letting go and moving on.  In order for me to do this, I look back at this time in my life and choose to see the craziness and the humor in it all - its how I have to see it in order to survive.

I'm back here today BECAUSE- oh lord... there is a part of my life that doesn't know about this, or what happened to me, and just trying to brace myself if for whatever reason it might need to come out.  And why can't I just bury it and move on like I have been?  There has been such freedom in that, such as acceptance- and to be honest it wasn't all that easy to get my head where it is today. So, backing up to roughly five-six years ago - my life was ALOT different than it was where this blog starts.  And thats all I'll say about that right now.
Going to take a short trip down Mirapex lane, will then probably cry myself to sleep, and hopefully pick right back up tomorrow where I want to be, where I need to be....

Bottom's Up

I’m typing this on the way to the mall – the boyfriend (or the roommate or the friend –who knows what we are today) is driving. A couple things with this: 1. I have only 7.00 in my pocket (that’s suppose to take me until next payday - this Friday), I’m overdrawn in my checking account, and my car insurance will be canceling tonight due to non- payment. Point being there will be no ‘shopping’ for me as I once again – as I have in the last 18 months – spent my paycheck on gambling (slots). Not feeling sorry for myself in the least – just wondering like so many others who have sat in my addiction – when will it end? Is this my bottom? Oh and I forgot to mention – My health insurance is long gone (didn’t pay the premium – went into a slot machine), my house of 10 years was foreclosed on - last week the lock went on the doors – it is no longer mine, and about two weeks ago I watch as the ‘Recovery’ tow service hauled my car away – it was repossessed. I get calls from creditors daily and my mail box is consistently full of bills. So what is the big deal today about heading to the mall today? God does this feel good – really - its normal – I’m not sitting in the casino or sleeping off my all nighter from being at the casino, or off in lala land wonder when I can get to the casino, or feeling the guilt/shame/suicidal feelings that always follow in addition to wondering – “How am I going to make it through the next two weeks?” “God I can’t believe I did this AGAIN!!” “What bills do I pay, not pay?” and “Ok, if I can just somehow make it til two days before I get paid – I can write a check at the casino…” One would think that with all that I just said I would with out a doubt be done with my addiction… ya’d think… but why wasn’t I done nine months ago when I bounced four checks at the casino – that took me 3 months to pay that the cashier at the casino so nicely pointed out to me a few months back – during that time I also had high suicidal ideation – it resulted in that I didn’t gamble for 6 weeks after that. But I went back and went back again and cashed more checks. And it wouldn’t surprise me if I go back again. An almost sure bet that I wouldn’t for at least awhile is if I ended up in jail for driving with no insurance – I still have a few things left to lose - like my license and my job. I’m working on it. And also my relationship with the boyfriend (or the roommate or the friend – who knows what we are today).

So back to going to the mall – we’re almost there. He’s going shopping for clothes, for stuff for the fish tanks – he just stop and filled on the car, bought a couple of snacks – he can do those things cause he doesn’t have an addiction! He purchased plants, flowers for his garden yesterday he spent the weekend working on his house…. Me I slept, I read, I dreamed of what life will be like if I ever get over this. Ok, kinda hoping he buys me something – there is only thing I want right now – not my insurance paid, not new clothes, but a book I read on here…”Going for Broke.” Maybe someday I will be going to the mall to go shopping.

Well that went wonderful… lasted less than 5 mns. My cell phone was dead – got bits and pieces of an urgent call from my youngest son – asked the boyfriend (or the roommate or the friend – who knows what we are today) if I could use his phone… I should know that after almost 3 years – we don’t ask him for anything. No book, no walking around the mall just more of the same. Although the clothes looked so colorful, pretty, shiny – why couldn’t I have had a shopping addiction? Maybe I’d then have a cell phone with a decent battery.

I want to run, I want to go to the casino and I would if I had the means to. Oh I could find the means like by writing a check to fill up my gas tank (I have two other cars – old junkers), and then writing a check somewhere to get cash – and the whole thing would bring me relief – would for a moment bring me ‘fulfillment.’ It would make me feel good inside. – but its what I’ve always done – run. Gee – just had a thought –

An hour later…Forget the last thought. Well now I don’t have a home!! My how things take a turn fast. Yep he kicked me out, cops called and everything. This time he made sure that HE didn’t stop me as he has before when he has ‘kicked me out’. Not a first that’s for sure but it will be the last time. He called the police - the police wrote down my name – in the county that I work – don’t think he thought that one though – we both are in social work – he is a licensed social worker. Right now I’m at my middle sons house – oh god I almost ran out of gas getting here too.

Well, well, well… so is this what rock bottom looks like or is there more to come? I need my job, I need my license – the only things I have left… well I do have my checking account for the moment whether that’s good or bad. I need my job, I need my license, I kinda need a checking account.

It doesn’t surprise me where I am sitting today. One of the things I was going to include about why going shopping with the boyfriend felt good was that he has wanted to do things with me but because of my addiction (in addition to working a lot and going to school three nights a week) in the last 3 years we’ve spent little time together. I really tried this weekend….even went to my first GA Meeting Friday night… its been 13 days since I’ve been to the casino… not because its been an something I watned to do but ONLY because I haven’t had the money. Its where I’d be right now if I had the means to go.

just another venting

Not that this means anything to anyone – need to continually remind myself that this is MY journey – I have giving a few people this website – not sure who is reading or not…but I can’t let those thoughts stop me on MY journey…I got to get over this no matter what it looks like to others, right now I DON’T CARE. It’s not about anyone but ME-MY LIFE.

Ok… I’m thinking the reason why I continued to gamble (up until almost 60 days ago) after stopping the med was because in fact I also stopped another med at the same time - Wellbutrion. Cold – on both of them. THATS the connection as to why I continued right on. For me, it explains it. Don’t care what is said that I should be back to normal – or should have just bounced back to normal after stopping Mirapex (ah, that normal was I DIDN’T FLIPPING GAMBLE OR HAVE ANY DESIRE TO). NO I’m not back to my normal and I don’t care what is said about that I should be – CAUSE I’M NOT. And who is saying this any ways??? The people responsible? Oh no, I need to now join GA cause I have a gambling problem!! I’m not suppose to have a problem here – I’m suppose to be back to normal. THEN WHY AINT I?

I didn’t want this, didn’t ask for it and I’ll be damn if its what takes me down. Could have thought of a lot of other ways to spend my money and time if I was going to end up with an addiction, and hanging out at the casino would not have been at the top of my list.

Whatever. Just now need to figure out why in February when I found out about the connection to taking Mirapex...that while initially I quit taking it (flushed the meds down the toilet) did I then continue to take the drug until April or May?? I thought I quit in February but my pharmacy records are showing otherwise. Need to take another good look at them. Why did I go and get the prescription refilled???? I know I continued to gamble after stopping Mirapex initially in February – and as I’ve said – it just didn’t ‘go away.’ Remember however still dealing with my RLS - BAD at that time - Mirapex was and has been to this point the only real relief. Was it because I was still gambling anyhow and since I wasn’t suppose to still have the desire - and still did and because I was still dealing with my RLS did I just think WTF - it really wasn’t because of the med but because I had some flaw??

I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s all screwed up. It’s all a bunch of bs. The pharmaceuticals, the shoulds – the shouldn’ts …and who cares right ? – its not anyone else’s life but mine.

Which reminds me I need to call the FDA to report it – WHY haven’t I done that yet either?

Good gawd. I want back my mind, I want back who I was, I want back my MONEY, I want back the year of my life I lost, I want back the time I could have spent being with my granddaughter, I want back what people used to think of me, I want back my health insurance, I want back my house, I WANT BACK MY LIFE before MIRAPEX. 

Whats next?

I want my life back damn it. I want to go back to that day in the doctor’s office and rewind the tape - NO MIRAPEX.

I need my medication for depression that I was on before I started this drug. But I don't have health insurance anymore- everything is gone - EVERYTHING is gone because of this drug. It makes me wonder if why I continued to gamble after stopping Mirapex was because I also was going off my medication for depression – and perhaps the gambling was doing whatever to my brain the med for depression was doing – firing off my chemical imbalance??? Who knows. Just know I was triggered BIG TIME on Friday and I went to find relief.  Just hope the m-f’s who are responsible for this PAY dearly for it. Not talking about paying financially but paying emotionally – hope their lives are ruined also.

And I'm left defenseless – homeless – penniless – and in major debt. I’m exhausted and see no way out – see no way to recover. I lost the first year of my granddaughters life because of this drug -

BUT I will continue to fight…fight for what????? To live more of this shit?  Will I ever recover????   Is this it for my life and Mirapex gets the ending to it?????

This is all bullshit.  Its all bullshit. 

Relapse

So this last week I had thought about writing about my experience of this last year inside the casino to make it a reality for me but re-thought the idea as I didn't want to seem to glorify it (if a person really could) or make something trigger in the ole brain...wished now maybe I had. I also thought at this time to update my 'info about me' as it didn't look like this was going to end up being about recovering from a gambling addiction (as I originally thought when I created this blog)...BUT better keep it all as it is because I'm not done with this thing apparently. F**K . Found out Friday night I'm not 'all better' nor am I back to normal.


Why me? I don't want to have to deal with this...I don't want some 'addiction' that is attached to who I am as a person. I don't even know what to say. But what I will say is that I WILL get passed this, I WILL learn from this, I WILL somehow grow as a person from this all. I've come to learn what having an addiction is like....wouldn't wish it on anyone.


So on Thursday I paid some towards one $400 debt, and half the overdraft check fees to the casino...and Friday morning was on my way to pay off the other $400 debt...my house apparently did the sheriffs auction thing on Thursday Oct 15th. Boyfriend and I had an 'outs' Friday morning (still don't know if we are going to make it). Friday afternoon I open my mail and in there is something from the mortgage company - thought it was going to be something about the sheriffs auction - nope- notta- instead it was something about 'saving your home' and a home loan modification application - I was so pissed when I read this...left three messages to three different people at the mortgage company... "WHAT IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE??" Should have known that my state of my mind was not stable - excuse -excuse – excuse – EXCUSE.


At times I just want to give up, I really do. This all is too hard. Sure I have a positive attitude most of the time and just roll with the punches - but I'm tired of all the punches. I'm just not strong enough - I don't want to have to be strong enough AGAIN. I'm so tired, I'm so worn out. I had my share of shit to deal with before Mirapex I didn't need one more thing to hold me back. Keep telling myself not to give up but NOTHING changes...seems like one struggle in life after another. I've been so broke this last year - (ironically made the most money I ever have- not by gambling but through working my ass off - it was just gambling that took it all). Been trying here -  so hard to see the end to this nightmare- trying to make it through...its been since I was a teenager that I 'almost ran out of gas' - and Thursday morning there I was pulling into the gas station on fumes...just trying to piece it all back together here. Argh.


Yeah I'm feeling real good about myself. As much as I tell myself I can get through this and finish seeing out a few dreams (my education, my sons, my life)...I don't know. Dont know if I have any more fight in me. My head feels so messed up. Thought how nice it would be to go to the doctor - to get help getting through this – still dealing with major RLS – would love to get back on Wellbutrion (which I lost my health insurance because I didn’t pay the premium but instead put it into a fricken slot machine) - I went off Wellbrution cold turkey - but HEY I still had Mirapex still floating through my brain to keep me going-lucky lucky me).


Whatever. This is just the story of my life. good gawd.


Friday morning I requested a copy of my last physical from the doctor - the appointment he prescribed Mirapex...wanted the copy so I could join 'Curves' as this month if you bring in a recent copy of your last physical you don't need to pay the membership fees. Planned on starting Curves in November. Hoping I still can. Anyhow received the transcript Saturday morning...(the night after my little relapse.)


interesting…


July 18 2008 … “She has used Chantix in the past, but found that the 1 milligram does was too strong. She’s also used Requip for restlessleg and was quite groggy the following morning after taking Requip and therefore, stopped it.” … “ Begin Mirapex 0.125 mg daily x 5 days, then 0.25 mg daily x 5 days, then 0.5mg daily.”

February 19 2009... “Patient d/c’d Mirapex 2 days ago because of side effect of compulsive behavior has been gambling past 5 mos.” Will try magnesium for restlessleg".


If I hadn’t started that drug where would I be today??? Sitting here wanting to bury my head?


My granddaughter is starting to say her first words. Today she said “Hi!" when I called my son – her 'Hi' was so clear thought it was my daughter-in-law : ) They're hoping to see me today.


The boyfriend and I (he’s still cute regardless if I feel he has no understanding or compassion of my life) haven’t spoke since yesterday afternoon…I feel like such a piece of shit right now, feel like just giving up. But if I do give up where would that leave me…any better off? And how does one give up?? Have to laugh as when I was walking out the casino doors REALLY feeling like shit - I was thinking… “I just want to die right now but I don’t even have any money left to buy a piece of rope!” I wasn’t laughing however after that moment  as I had  the fimiliar drove home thoughts.


I may be able to find a little humor in this ONLY because of who I am – who I’ve always been. Told the boyfriend yesterday that I may appear to be a worthless piece of shit because of my life – but who I am as a person, MY character – the core of who I am – I like and wouldn’t’ want to change. Some things in life a person can change but character isn’t one of them. It’s just my luck though that life likes to throw not only curves balls into mine but fast balls as well – damn never could catch a ball or run for that matter.


Alright…this is my story, my blog I will write what I want… this is my recovery. There are a few people who are just lucky my lot in life is that I can’t catch balls or that I can’t run. But it has never stopped me from trying. I will get through this. I will.


And this is a message sent out into the universe to those that knew WAY long ago what Mirapex was all about but because of the mighty dollar and their lack of conscience and character.... I wish the day on you  that it ALL is revealed – I hope everyone involved is exposed and held accountable EVEN if its JUST wanting to buy YOURSELF a piece of rope. Bet you wont be finding any humor in it either... YOU are responsible for destroying lives - I on the otherhand  - I’M just a struggling human being (now with a flipping addiction.)

...the boyfriend...

The boyfriend…darn is he so cute! He really is… after I shed a few more tears today and then thinking for a moment about what my life could have been like today had it not been for my experience with Mirapex it put a smile on my face thinking about how this time last year (last fall- into the gambling A LOT)…the boyfriend being just as oblivious to what was happening as I was (when this drug was re-wiring my brain) was writing me a song… a song he planned on singing to me at a cabin up north that hosts weekend retreats hosted by a musician we seen in the cities. I do believe the idea behind this song was he was going to propose. Can’t say for sure this was what was going on but from conversations in heated  arguments we had this past spring - hints were dropped that that was what he was doing…as well as hints were dropped that when we where in Seattle Washington (the fateful trip that made me finally do something about my RLS) is when he bought a ring. None of this is fact and it’s doubtful he’d ever tell me the truth… but what if it was true… how my life would be different today.

Anyhow… what the hell... just another curve ball to dodge in my life. Getting used to it. Just hoping I make it past this one.  And then there is school...argh.

One last thought (!)... and to think that another major reason I started Mirapex was because I drove the boyfriend insane at night because of my RLS - told him the other day that "Hey I dealt with this stuff for years on my own until I met you...its your fault I went the route to try a drug!"

Think this is called venting...

The other day I asked the boyfriend to use his skills of advocacy (that he is so gifted in, and his passion about whatever he is seeking justice for generally produces profound results) - to apply this to finding me an attorney who will take my case. “Get pissed off for me, for us… this was so wrong what happened…blah, blah, blah…” He says to me, (which I found a little interesting as our roles where SO reversed here)… “ It happened, its done, now lets just move on…learn from it…” I was like - “WHAT! What about what you felt when this happened or that happened, what did MY behavior do to YOU??? What did this drug do to me???” I think he knows that fighting a drug company is pretty much a losing battle – why waste your energy. Well if I decide to make this more about a fight for justice verses just recovering - looks like I’m on my own here : ( This ALL was SO wrong.

Work. Well, its kinda looking ok at this point…however its not done, my tracks are not covered completely yet…there is a chance that this will be yet another thing to add to my list of what my experience with Mirapex did to my life. A few moments ago I was thinking that without a doubt I would have lost my job had the circumstance been different, AND I still could lose my job today if things align right (or would that be if they don’t align right) in the next few weeks.

So as I’m attempting to dig myself out of a little mess regarding work, my thoughts are – I’m hoping like hell I will get just be able to piece shit together to just “move on and learn from it” and keep my job for as long as I want it. – BUT if this does happen – THAT aint no reality of what this drug did – just because of who I am- just because the company I work for might need to do some readjusting in their thinking about trusting their employees…it ONLY covers up the wickedness of this drug. SO if I am able to be so lucky here to ‘just pick the pieces up of my life” and just be thankful my life wasn’t completely destroyed – what the hell it’s just a year of my life that was lost. Who cares??? Just move the flip on right??

This all could have ended so different for me. I KNOW that there have been other Mirapex victims who haven’t been so lucky (and this is called luck???). My luck is only because of circumstances.

This all is so wrong.

Tomorrow my house goes up for 'whatever' at the sheriffs auction. I’ve owned my home for 10 years. I worked my ass off to get my house and worked my ass off to keep it and now it’s GONE. I worked HARD to get to where I was – I didn’t need Mirapex to throw one more curve ball my way. I innocently went to the doctor to find relief to my RLS. I trusted an industry that I was supposed to have trust in.

Ok I need to get back to writing a paper for school –

huh….think my little tangent here that I went off on was because I was writing about my experience before this nightmare started…