I hope its over now...

...just let me pick the pieces up to my life PLEASE.

As I sit here this morning reflecting on the last year of my life, rehashing memories of things done, things said, the feelings I had, the absolute craziness of it all that up that until this point I’ve said many times over (since stopping the med) that its not going to be the financial aspect (loss) that’s going to kill me in the end its going to be my health. I’m 42 years old (not a spring chicken here) and the amount of nights are countless that I stayed up all night in that casino, going without sleep, going into work the next day, smoking cigarette after cigarette while stuffing money in those machines, and the stress of it all...

Just a few moments ago, I started having flashbacks to when my first granddaughter was born in November 08’. I remember not wanting to  hold her, kiss her or get too close because I knew where I had been – a filthy disgusting place. Also my mind was so far from anything but 'going to the casino.' And those feelings just weren’t there when she was born but up until just a few weeks ago. I haven't even bonded with my beautiful 1st grandchild.

I just want to go hold and cuddle my grandbaby. But am afraid.  I'm afraid if I 'go that way' (the road that leads to the casino)  that  thats where I'll end up.  Its been 9 days since I've been to the casino - the longest time frame since this whole nightmare started.

I want my life back, I want back who I was. I want to be a grandma.