just another venting

Not that this means anything to anyone – need to continually remind myself that this is MY journey – I have giving a few people this website – not sure who is reading or not…but I can’t let those thoughts stop me on MY journey…I got to get over this no matter what it looks like to others, right now I DON’T CARE. It’s not about anyone but ME-MY LIFE.

Ok… I’m thinking the reason why I continued to gamble (up until almost 60 days ago) after stopping the med was because in fact I also stopped another med at the same time - Wellbutrion. Cold – on both of them. THATS the connection as to why I continued right on. For me, it explains it. Don’t care what is said that I should be back to normal – or should have just bounced back to normal after stopping Mirapex (ah, that normal was I DIDN’T FLIPPING GAMBLE OR HAVE ANY DESIRE TO). NO I’m not back to my normal and I don’t care what is said about that I should be – CAUSE I’M NOT. And who is saying this any ways??? The people responsible? Oh no, I need to now join GA cause I have a gambling problem!! I’m not suppose to have a problem here – I’m suppose to be back to normal. THEN WHY AINT I?

I didn’t want this, didn’t ask for it and I’ll be damn if its what takes me down. Could have thought of a lot of other ways to spend my money and time if I was going to end up with an addiction, and hanging out at the casino would not have been at the top of my list.

Whatever. Just now need to figure out why in February when I found out about the connection to taking Mirapex...that while initially I quit taking it (flushed the meds down the toilet) did I then continue to take the drug until April or May?? I thought I quit in February but my pharmacy records are showing otherwise. Need to take another good look at them. Why did I go and get the prescription refilled???? I know I continued to gamble after stopping Mirapex initially in February – and as I’ve said – it just didn’t ‘go away.’ Remember however still dealing with my RLS - BAD at that time - Mirapex was and has been to this point the only real relief. Was it because I was still gambling anyhow and since I wasn’t suppose to still have the desire - and still did and because I was still dealing with my RLS did I just think WTF - it really wasn’t because of the med but because I had some flaw??

I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s all screwed up. It’s all a bunch of bs. The pharmaceuticals, the shoulds – the shouldn’ts …and who cares right ? – its not anyone else’s life but mine.

Which reminds me I need to call the FDA to report it – WHY haven’t I done that yet either?

Good gawd. I want back my mind, I want back who I was, I want back my MONEY, I want back the year of my life I lost, I want back the time I could have spent being with my granddaughter, I want back what people used to think of me, I want back my health insurance, I want back my house, I WANT BACK MY LIFE before MIRAPEX. 

Whats next?

I want my life back damn it. I want to go back to that day in the doctor’s office and rewind the tape - NO MIRAPEX.

I need my medication for depression that I was on before I started this drug. But I don't have health insurance anymore- everything is gone - EVERYTHING is gone because of this drug. It makes me wonder if why I continued to gamble after stopping Mirapex was because I also was going off my medication for depression – and perhaps the gambling was doing whatever to my brain the med for depression was doing – firing off my chemical imbalance??? Who knows. Just know I was triggered BIG TIME on Friday and I went to find relief.  Just hope the m-f’s who are responsible for this PAY dearly for it. Not talking about paying financially but paying emotionally – hope their lives are ruined also.

And I'm left defenseless – homeless – penniless – and in major debt. I’m exhausted and see no way out – see no way to recover. I lost the first year of my granddaughters life because of this drug -

BUT I will continue to fight…fight for what????? To live more of this shit?  Will I ever recover????   Is this it for my life and Mirapex gets the ending to it?????

This is all bullshit.  Its all bullshit. 

Relapse

So this last week I had thought about writing about my experience of this last year inside the casino to make it a reality for me but re-thought the idea as I didn't want to seem to glorify it (if a person really could) or make something trigger in the ole brain...wished now maybe I had. I also thought at this time to update my 'info about me' as it didn't look like this was going to end up being about recovering from a gambling addiction (as I originally thought when I created this blog)...BUT better keep it all as it is because I'm not done with this thing apparently. F**K . Found out Friday night I'm not 'all better' nor am I back to normal.


Why me? I don't want to have to deal with this...I don't want some 'addiction' that is attached to who I am as a person. I don't even know what to say. But what I will say is that I WILL get passed this, I WILL learn from this, I WILL somehow grow as a person from this all. I've come to learn what having an addiction is like....wouldn't wish it on anyone.


So on Thursday I paid some towards one $400 debt, and half the overdraft check fees to the casino...and Friday morning was on my way to pay off the other $400 debt...my house apparently did the sheriffs auction thing on Thursday Oct 15th. Boyfriend and I had an 'outs' Friday morning (still don't know if we are going to make it). Friday afternoon I open my mail and in there is something from the mortgage company - thought it was going to be something about the sheriffs auction - nope- notta- instead it was something about 'saving your home' and a home loan modification application - I was so pissed when I read this...left three messages to three different people at the mortgage company... "WHAT IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE??" Should have known that my state of my mind was not stable - excuse -excuse – excuse – EXCUSE.


At times I just want to give up, I really do. This all is too hard. Sure I have a positive attitude most of the time and just roll with the punches - but I'm tired of all the punches. I'm just not strong enough - I don't want to have to be strong enough AGAIN. I'm so tired, I'm so worn out. I had my share of shit to deal with before Mirapex I didn't need one more thing to hold me back. Keep telling myself not to give up but NOTHING changes...seems like one struggle in life after another. I've been so broke this last year - (ironically made the most money I ever have- not by gambling but through working my ass off - it was just gambling that took it all). Been trying here -  so hard to see the end to this nightmare- trying to make it through...its been since I was a teenager that I 'almost ran out of gas' - and Thursday morning there I was pulling into the gas station on fumes...just trying to piece it all back together here. Argh.


Yeah I'm feeling real good about myself. As much as I tell myself I can get through this and finish seeing out a few dreams (my education, my sons, my life)...I don't know. Dont know if I have any more fight in me. My head feels so messed up. Thought how nice it would be to go to the doctor - to get help getting through this – still dealing with major RLS – would love to get back on Wellbutrion (which I lost my health insurance because I didn’t pay the premium but instead put it into a fricken slot machine) - I went off Wellbrution cold turkey - but HEY I still had Mirapex still floating through my brain to keep me going-lucky lucky me).


Whatever. This is just the story of my life. good gawd.


Friday morning I requested a copy of my last physical from the doctor - the appointment he prescribed Mirapex...wanted the copy so I could join 'Curves' as this month if you bring in a recent copy of your last physical you don't need to pay the membership fees. Planned on starting Curves in November. Hoping I still can. Anyhow received the transcript Saturday morning...(the night after my little relapse.)


interesting…


July 18 2008 … “She has used Chantix in the past, but found that the 1 milligram does was too strong. She’s also used Requip for restlessleg and was quite groggy the following morning after taking Requip and therefore, stopped it.” … “ Begin Mirapex 0.125 mg daily x 5 days, then 0.25 mg daily x 5 days, then 0.5mg daily.”

February 19 2009... “Patient d/c’d Mirapex 2 days ago because of side effect of compulsive behavior has been gambling past 5 mos.” Will try magnesium for restlessleg".


If I hadn’t started that drug where would I be today??? Sitting here wanting to bury my head?


My granddaughter is starting to say her first words. Today she said “Hi!" when I called my son – her 'Hi' was so clear thought it was my daughter-in-law : ) They're hoping to see me today.


The boyfriend and I (he’s still cute regardless if I feel he has no understanding or compassion of my life) haven’t spoke since yesterday afternoon…I feel like such a piece of shit right now, feel like just giving up. But if I do give up where would that leave me…any better off? And how does one give up?? Have to laugh as when I was walking out the casino doors REALLY feeling like shit - I was thinking… “I just want to die right now but I don’t even have any money left to buy a piece of rope!” I wasn’t laughing however after that moment  as I had  the fimiliar drove home thoughts.


I may be able to find a little humor in this ONLY because of who I am – who I’ve always been. Told the boyfriend yesterday that I may appear to be a worthless piece of shit because of my life – but who I am as a person, MY character – the core of who I am – I like and wouldn’t’ want to change. Some things in life a person can change but character isn’t one of them. It’s just my luck though that life likes to throw not only curves balls into mine but fast balls as well – damn never could catch a ball or run for that matter.


Alright…this is my story, my blog I will write what I want… this is my recovery. There are a few people who are just lucky my lot in life is that I can’t catch balls or that I can’t run. But it has never stopped me from trying. I will get through this. I will.


And this is a message sent out into the universe to those that knew WAY long ago what Mirapex was all about but because of the mighty dollar and their lack of conscience and character.... I wish the day on you  that it ALL is revealed – I hope everyone involved is exposed and held accountable EVEN if its JUST wanting to buy YOURSELF a piece of rope. Bet you wont be finding any humor in it either... YOU are responsible for destroying lives - I on the otherhand  - I’M just a struggling human being (now with a flipping addiction.)

...the boyfriend...

The boyfriend…darn is he so cute! He really is… after I shed a few more tears today and then thinking for a moment about what my life could have been like today had it not been for my experience with Mirapex it put a smile on my face thinking about how this time last year (last fall- into the gambling A LOT)…the boyfriend being just as oblivious to what was happening as I was (when this drug was re-wiring my brain) was writing me a song… a song he planned on singing to me at a cabin up north that hosts weekend retreats hosted by a musician we seen in the cities. I do believe the idea behind this song was he was going to propose. Can’t say for sure this was what was going on but from conversations in heated  arguments we had this past spring - hints were dropped that that was what he was doing…as well as hints were dropped that when we where in Seattle Washington (the fateful trip that made me finally do something about my RLS) is when he bought a ring. None of this is fact and it’s doubtful he’d ever tell me the truth… but what if it was true… how my life would be different today.

Anyhow… what the hell... just another curve ball to dodge in my life. Getting used to it. Just hoping I make it past this one.  And then there is school...argh.

One last thought (!)... and to think that another major reason I started Mirapex was because I drove the boyfriend insane at night because of my RLS - told him the other day that "Hey I dealt with this stuff for years on my own until I met you...its your fault I went the route to try a drug!"

Think this is called venting...

The other day I asked the boyfriend to use his skills of advocacy (that he is so gifted in, and his passion about whatever he is seeking justice for generally produces profound results) - to apply this to finding me an attorney who will take my case. “Get pissed off for me, for us… this was so wrong what happened…blah, blah, blah…” He says to me, (which I found a little interesting as our roles where SO reversed here)… “ It happened, its done, now lets just move on…learn from it…” I was like - “WHAT! What about what you felt when this happened or that happened, what did MY behavior do to YOU??? What did this drug do to me???” I think he knows that fighting a drug company is pretty much a losing battle – why waste your energy. Well if I decide to make this more about a fight for justice verses just recovering - looks like I’m on my own here : ( This ALL was SO wrong.

Work. Well, its kinda looking ok at this point…however its not done, my tracks are not covered completely yet…there is a chance that this will be yet another thing to add to my list of what my experience with Mirapex did to my life. A few moments ago I was thinking that without a doubt I would have lost my job had the circumstance been different, AND I still could lose my job today if things align right (or would that be if they don’t align right) in the next few weeks.

So as I’m attempting to dig myself out of a little mess regarding work, my thoughts are – I’m hoping like hell I will get just be able to piece shit together to just “move on and learn from it” and keep my job for as long as I want it. – BUT if this does happen – THAT aint no reality of what this drug did – just because of who I am- just because the company I work for might need to do some readjusting in their thinking about trusting their employees…it ONLY covers up the wickedness of this drug. SO if I am able to be so lucky here to ‘just pick the pieces up of my life” and just be thankful my life wasn’t completely destroyed – what the hell it’s just a year of my life that was lost. Who cares??? Just move the flip on right??

This all could have ended so different for me. I KNOW that there have been other Mirapex victims who haven’t been so lucky (and this is called luck???). My luck is only because of circumstances.

This all is so wrong.

Tomorrow my house goes up for 'whatever' at the sheriffs auction. I’ve owned my home for 10 years. I worked my ass off to get my house and worked my ass off to keep it and now it’s GONE. I worked HARD to get to where I was – I didn’t need Mirapex to throw one more curve ball my way. I innocently went to the doctor to find relief to my RLS. I trusted an industry that I was supposed to have trust in.

Ok I need to get back to writing a paper for school –

huh….think my little tangent here that I went off on was because I was writing about my experience before this nightmare started…

...continuing to pick up the pieces...

And once again...I don't know how I managed logging hours AFTER hours on the road to and from the casino as well as the hours I spent inside the casino. In the last month or so with life now returning back to some normalcy - WOW - what a trip I was on in this last year. It was like I checked out and was on drugs. But oh - I was on a drug – its what keep me going – I know I couldn’t do it today – just the thought of wears me out - and can’t see how I did it during this last year except being under the influence of that drug - IT'S what keep me going.

I remember at one point before the boyfriend knew exactly what I was doing and to the extent I was doing it (going to the casino) he actually accused me of being on drugs or seeing someone else. I felt so completely offended.  In one convo when I was too embarrassed to tell him what I was really doing, he insisted that my behavior was that of a drug addict - the secrecy, staying up all night, the behavior changes in me... I told him I wished it was that simple - (as I didn't know what was going on with me)... "Just know its not another man, and I'm not doing drugs..." I couldn't tell him - too embarrassed that his girlfriend was just innocently hanging out at the casino all night.

Anyhow... so here I sit thankful its over, wondering how the hell I did it, and still picking up the pieces...

Work. I didn't lose my job although I believe if the circumstances would have been different without a doubt I would have. I'm in management and during this last year have had very little accountability...so when I'd come in late (sometimes straight from the casino-I’d look like hell) or not even making it in - or when I got behind in my responsibilities there was no one above me keeping tabs on me. Now what prompted me to write this morning is that yesterday it hit me...part of the reason I had no accountability is that before this nightmare started - my work performance was exceptional - so exceptional that when I went through two MAJOR reviews of my work the result ended with a bonus because I had did so well - ME - what I did - WHO I AM - my work ethic – my work performance left the people above me content in knowing that I didn't need a babysitter. Well the story has changed ALOT and its finally catching up with me...reviews are coming up again...and the picture today is not as pretty as it was a year ago.

My thoughts yesterday were, "I wonder if my Mirapex story will hold any weight?!" My work responsibilities are in a complete mess today. Will I be able to dig myself out? Sure – well hoping so anyway - but in the meantime I'm now starting to go through the humiliation of 'why this wasn't done', 'where is the paper work on that'? How did I go from one extreme to the other????? I feel I've let people down who had trust in me. I’ve let myself down. And using MIRAPEX as an excuse just isn't going to cut it.

So thats that. What more can I say?

Just thankful its over, thankful that my mind is back...just wanting to continue to pick up the pieces and move on…

Another face of a Mirapex victim

I'm feeling a little conflicted on whether I want to include this link or information on my blog because of the nature of it. I do not want to seem condoning as to this mans actions however regardless of the nature of it - the FACT is.... here is the face of another Mirapex victim. Not only does this article point out to me its just not the primary victims who are affected but there are also secondary victims as well - just as completely innocent. I'm just sick to my stomach all around.

The main focus on the serious side effects of Mirapex have been on the complusive out of control gambling... but as I have noted somewhere else - "What about those too embarrassed to tell their story...the ones that maybe didn't gamble but had out of control urges in relation to hypersexuality?" A young man was molested because of this wicked flipping drug. Two more lives destroyed.

HOW MANY MORE VICTIMS OF THIS DRUG ARE OUT THERE????????

HOW MANY MORE STORIES WITH TWISTED TURNS HAS 'MIRAPEX' AS THE CENTRAL THEME?????????

http://m.naplesnews.com/news/2009/sep/03/former-dentist-gets-10-years-teen-molestation-tria/

Its been something like 40 days now.

I haven't kept up on this blog like I've wanted to or planned to. I started night classes which are keeping me pretty busy. In one of my classes, 'Research Methods' I have the opportunity to write a paper on MIRAPEX  and to give a formal presentation - going for the aspect of its history - nothing personal - just the facts.  Not sure yet how I see that coming together.... Just hope I can put something together!! For anyone reading this – please send positive energy my way as I want to tell the world about this drug – and what was kept hidden about it and even if it’s just to a group of 15 college students and my professor who is also a  counselor - I want this nightmare to be heard.


I haven't been struggling with the desire to gamble AT ALL!! Yeah, every once in awhile the thought goes through my head I would love to go - I play the mind game I think I could just 'stop in' for a few now that I'm all better : ) BUT honestly I'm scared to death to know if I'm not truly all better and back to where I was before this nightmare started. I paid my bad checks wrote to the casino, still owe the overdraft fees however, have two more 400.00 debts to pay, my house will be on Sheriffs auction Oct 15th, and waiting for them to come get my car anyday. Other than that - must say that life is good today : )

 Wicked, wicked drug.


I just want to be my normal again. I don't want to have ANY thoughts of going to the casino.


In the last month I've had email correspondence with a woman who lost the right to self govern and ended up with a guardian because of MIRAPEX. I've also had email correspondence with another woman who recently attempted suicide because of MIRAPEX. I’ve followed a blog by Tammy Rothwell – another Mirapex Victim.

http://www.livevideo.com/video/NorthAmericanAuthor/6D85EC4EBD4D48909137554536FE6294/i-am-tammy-rothwell-and-i-am-a.aspx

There are many of us out there and while our stories may not be the same - what this drug did to us is.


I may not be posting at this time as much as I’d like. But oh, I’m so not done yet!!

Been something like 19 days

Going on three weeks since I've been to the casino. The other morning I woke up dead tired and the thought crossed my mind "How did I do it?? Staying up all night, driving an hour home, going to work..."  So glad that it seems to be over - AND so glad that it also seems to be coming to pass that I won't be fighting an addiction - thank god.

Coming out of my Mirapex fog Part 2

These last few weeks have been just odd. 12 days since I've been to the casino - longest length of time since this nightmare started. Just 12 days ago I thought I was going on to be a journey to overcome a gambling addiction (though I'm not kidding myself into thinking that’s its completely over). Just 12 days ago my thoughts were suicidal.

In these last 12 days - oh I've thought about the casino – had a desire to go - but I was able to work through it (mostly by shopping). During the first seven days I was also writing (here) and doing internet searches on Mirapex – all the while sitting with a negative checking account (all due to charges from the checks wrote to the casino). THAT week I was too humbled-too embarrassed (though nobody knew), and thoughts of the casino were replaced with thoughts of having a more stronger desire to get my life back. The next seven days were a little tougher but I can see a major difference in my thinking – Pay day was on Monday - the start of the next 7 days. Instead of making sure the checks I wrote were covered (though I attempted to loan the money) I really wanted the checks to sit there, I really wanted the calls, I really wanted the stress, I really wanted to never have the means to go back there again. The cash I had on me – stayed on me. Normally ‘cash’ would have been a trigger to go. I believe I would have gone if those checks had been paid though. The longer those checks sit there – the better for me.

Part of what has helped me greatly is I had a support that didn’t even realize how they were helping…(for another time).

Told my two youngest sons tonight I think I'm back - "it's over guys...you got your mother back!" My middle son said jokingly, "Darn!" He and I had some fun nights- he's a night owl and didn't mind staying out all night with me - caused a few problems with his wife though. Because my sons ‘live on the way to the casino’ I couldn’t stay long – as the longer I stayed there with them my thoughts were getting stronger about “ah, you can go for just a quick one (never quick)…”

We'll see. Would be strange (actually cool) if this is really it. Must say that for the most part the compulsion/ obsession isn't there anymore - yes thoughts on occasional but NOTHING like it was - even just 12 days ago.

Weird.

'Consumer Reports' entertaining view on drug commericals

I came across this Consumer Reports video about Requip (on the same lines of MIRAPEX) while searching for when the commercial ads for the drug MIRAPEX starting running.

At first watching the video I felt a little offended (comes across as mocking RLS), then I started laughing – Consumer Reports did a great job at pointing out the silliness of this drug commercial and as well laughing along when the commentator said something on the lines about not knowing it was a medical condition until it was pointed out… 'I didn't know what I had was a medical condition until it was pointed out to me that I had 'RLS'. 


THEN I cried.

Unfortunately I never saw this commercial or ones like it (for Mirapex). 

Keep up the good work Consumer Reports!! Thanks for the smile today.

http://blogs.consumerreports.org/health/2007/11/finally-an-anti.html

Coming out of my ‘Mirapex Fog’ Part 1

In retrospect, during this last month it seems like I had been coming out of my "lingering Mirapex fog” – the 4 months after stopping the med.

This last month: I started having this sincere desire to spend a little time with my sons. I set up times/dates with them when I planned on doing this. Why this would be so strange is because this last year the only desire I really had was to get to the casino…it’s like my thinking slowly started to shift. The other thing I remember about this last month is that after a gambling episode when I’d feel the “When is this going to finally stop” frustrations- I almost felt it – felt the pain within whereas before when I’d say that – while I meant it - I just couldn’t feel it. Hard to explain.

A couple of weeks ago I did spend a few hours listening to my youngest son play his guitar – the absolute love of his life. Almost didn't make it though as I had about 5 minutes between the time I called him (needed directions) and the time he called me back. My thoughts were if I didn't hear from him after filling up with gas I'd go to the casino for a couple of hours THEN go see him (which would have never happened as basically I’d walk into the casino and wouldn’t leave until I was penniless). Anyhow he called before I made it to the gas station. It was awesome to listen to him play (even with fighting some thoughts about going to the casino). He is such a gifted/talented artist. I didn’t go to the casino that night – it truly felt great. I felt so responsible. If this scenario would have been a month previous to this – first I wouldn’t have set up a time to listen to him and if I had – I wouldn’t have had but maybe 60 seconds after calling him before I would have had it in my mind I was going to the casino and I would have gone letting him down one more time.

Then last week I went to visit my oldest son at his work - the love of his life (other than of course his first two loves - his wife and daughter). It was so cool to see my son at work - I am so proud of him - 25 yrs old, a self made-man, a beautiful wife and just the happiest daughter. Remember on this day I really didn’t have the urge/thoughts to go to the casino probably because just the night before I was there (though that never stopped me before). Hoping THAT night becomes thee last night for the record and it wasn’t even an all night’er. If it does become my last trip to the casino that in all this insanity – I couldn’t imagine how I could top it…$$$ spent, the major guilt, the craziness in thought, the suicidal feelings that followed. I even envisioned in my mind “Yep that would work…” looking up at log beam that runs across the center of the boyfriends house and a bar table.  I just hated what I had become – esp the no self control.

I hope its over now...

...just let me pick the pieces up to my life PLEASE.

As I sit here this morning reflecting on the last year of my life, rehashing memories of things done, things said, the feelings I had, the absolute craziness of it all that up that until this point I’ve said many times over (since stopping the med) that its not going to be the financial aspect (loss) that’s going to kill me in the end its going to be my health. I’m 42 years old (not a spring chicken here) and the amount of nights are countless that I stayed up all night in that casino, going without sleep, going into work the next day, smoking cigarette after cigarette while stuffing money in those machines, and the stress of it all...

Just a few moments ago, I started having flashbacks to when my first granddaughter was born in November 08’. I remember not wanting to  hold her, kiss her or get too close because I knew where I had been – a filthy disgusting place. Also my mind was so far from anything but 'going to the casino.' And those feelings just weren’t there when she was born but up until just a few weeks ago. I haven't even bonded with my beautiful 1st grandchild.

I just want to go hold and cuddle my grandbaby. But am afraid.  I'm afraid if I 'go that way' (the road that leads to the casino)  that  thats where I'll end up.  Its been 9 days since I've been to the casino - the longest time frame since this whole nightmare started.

I want my life back, I want back who I was. I want to be a grandma.

The first defendent (who won his case) didn't stop gambling right away either!!

Oh my gosh, I'm SO glad I haven't given up here.  I've known that because I didn't stop gambling immediately that it wasn't me but the still the effect of the drug because its not who I am (or was) - whatsoever. I will beat this!!  Since I made the connection back in the spring of this year (because of Belinda!)  it's been mentioned to me a few times (by the boyfriend since day 1, a lawyer just recently as of two days ago, and implied in some of the stories I've read from other victims that AS SOON AS the victim (and thats what we are) stopped taking the drug the complusion to gamble just should go away (or has.) Well it didn't for me nor did it for Gary Charbonneau - the first victim.  What a relief in so many aspects : )

"Gary Charbonneau says he was prescribed Mirapex in December 1997 to treat his Parkinson’s disease and stopped taking it in November 2005. He claims the drug caused him to become a compulsive gambler from March 2002 to February 2006..."
"The drugmakers argued the FDA concluded after additional research that “available information does not constitute proof of a cause and effect relationship” between Mirapex and “intense impulse behavior.” And they maintained the four-year time difference between when Charbonneau started taking Mirapex and began gambling indicates “gambled as a matter of choice, not compulsion.” I think not and either did a jury.

http://www.pharmalot.com/2008/07/compulsive-gambler-wins-lawsuit-over-mirapex/

Since speaking with a lawyer two days ago I've been searching the internet trying to find studies, answers etc as to why I continued to gamble after I stopped the drug as I KNEW there was a connection.

First "Complaint and Jury Trial Requested' against the makers of MIRAPEX (3/06)

http://www.pharmalot.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/charbonneau-mirapex-suit.pdf

Real world side effects and effectiveness of Mirapex

http://www.ehealthme.com/

"A real world approach: many drug interactions, side effects, and effectivenesses can not be detected when drugs are approved. They may be found only after the drugs have been used by millions of people and for a long time. Large, long term drug studies are able to discover these real world drug outcomes."

On September 1st 2009 6,566 related reports are studied for females and males at all ages when using Mirapex:

Top long term (1+ years on drugs) drug interactions, side effects:

1 Pathological gambling 547 (66.14%)
2 Obsessive-compulsive disorder 339 (40.99%)
3 Emotional distress 319 (38.57%)
4 Depression 293 (35.43%)
5 Anxiety 212 (25.63%)
6 Pain 186 (22.49%)
7 Fear 109 (13.18%)
8 Stress 107 (12.94%)
9 Weight increased 91 (11.00%)
10 Hyperphagia 89 (10.76%)

"the drug's potential to induce pathologic syndromes..."

 "Because this is a retrospective study, cases may have been missed, and hence this study may reflect an underestimation of the true frequency. Physicians who care for patients taking these drugs should recognize the drug's potential to induce pathologic syndromes that sometimes masquerade as primary psychiatric disease."

PMID: 19339647 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

PMCID: PMC2665974 [Available on 2009/10/01]

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19339647?orinalpos=2&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_DefaultReportPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum

Makers of Mirapex 'Correction of Drug Information about Mirapex" (12/08)

“Boehringer Ingelheim Pharmaceuticals, Inc. (BIPI), the company that makes the drug MIRAPEX would like to tell you about an important Warning Letter that was sent by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) on September 29, 2008. In the Warning Letter, FDA told BIPI that two consumer-directed pharmacy printouts were misleading about how safe MIRAPEX is to use. You may have received a copy of these printouts. The print ad provides important safety information that FDA stated was left out of these printouts.


“There have been reports of impulse control disorders and compulsive behaviors in patient taking certain medicines including MIRAPEX. When taking MIRAPEX, if you or your family notice that you are experiencing new or increased gambling urges…”

http://www.ladieshomejournal-digital.com/ladieshomejournal/200905/?u1=coverleaf&pg=65

Mirapex on HowStuffWorks.com -'10 Weirdest Side Effects'

Mirapex was listed 3x's out of the 10.


Weird Side Effect 10: Amnesia   "This is the case for some users of Mirapex (generic name pramipexole)."

Weird Side Effect 6: Hallucinations   "Mirapex, along with its many other potential side effects, can also cause hallucinations."

Weird Side Effect 3: Compulsive Behavior  "Many patients taking Mirapex started noticing behavioral problems that they'd never experienced before."

http://health.howstuffworks.com/health-illness/treatment/medicine/medications/10-weird-prescription-drug-side-effect8.htm

FDA warning letter to makers of Mirpex to change misleading information (9/08)

The letter is dated 9/28/08. I started taking Mirapex 8/08.

Directly quoted from the letter:

"The two consumer-directed printouts (MRLS47260 and MRLS47262) are misleading because they present efficacy claims for Mirapex but fail, respectively, to either communicate any risk information for Mirapex (MRLS47260) or to communicate the important risks associated with the use of Mirapex (MRLS47262)."

http://www.mirapexvictims.com/FDA092008.pdf

The time between Belinda (2/09), completely stopping MIRAPEX (5/09) and today (9/09)

I can't say for sure how long after COMPLETELY discontinuing MIRAPEX in 5/09 it took for the overwhelmingly intense feelings to gamble to go away. Maybe a week, or two, or more. I don't remember. However I can say it didn't completely 'just go away' nor did I return to normal like I'd hoped.

Today I'm MIRAPEX free (or at least assume I am). Today I somewhat have my own mind back (or at least assume I do). But today I'm now fighting an ongoing gambling addiction. It seems like for most people in the MIRAPEX stories I've read that soon after they stopped taking MIRAPEX or lowered the dose their compulsion/obsession’s were simply gone. They were cured of their addictions and/or craziness. For me it was just the extreme intensity of the compulsion that was no longer there but a very strong desire to gamble remained.

Who I was before taking MIRAPEX?

Who I was while on MIRAPEX?

Before MIRAPEX there was little, if any real interest in the casino. Years previously I’d occasionally go to the casino for dinner or occasionally quickly stop in (when passing by on my way to work a weekend job 2000-2003) and throw a few dollars in a slot machine. When I say a few dollars I’m talking literally dollar bills. At the most, very most I spent on slots was 20.00. And if I ever did spend 20.00 - that was a HUGE amount for me to part with. While on MIRAPEX the compulsion to go to the casino was irrational and completely out of control. Getting to the casino (going out of my way to get there) and playing the slot machines was all I could think about. And it wasn't just a few dollars, or a quick stop in but it was literally feeding 5.00 bills, 10.00 bills, 20.00 dollar bills, 50.00 bills, 100.00 dollar bills into the slots and HOURS later.

Before MIRAPEX after I wasn't taking the drive to get to work passing the casino on the way, the casino seemed so far away (about 30 mns) and not a drive interesting me in the least especially to just go to the casino to gamble. It wasn't even a thought ONCE that I entertained. Dinner yes, but to gamble?? No way. While on MIRAPEX my heart would just be beating with excitement during the drive to the casino. I remember in the early days under its complete influence asking my youngest son in my crazed mania if his heart was just a beating too. I couldn't get there fast enough. Going to the casino soon became just a hop, skip and a jump even at those times when I was an hour+ away.

While on MIRAPEX as soon as I parked my car I would just book-it’ into the casino and sit right down and then proceed to sit and sit there for hours. In one instance on New Years Eve 09' I spent 23 hours sitting in front of one slot machine – ok two slot machines as I moved over to the next one at some point. On this particular ‘stop in for a few minutes’ after the 1st five hours there I wouldn't answer my phone anymore when the boyfriend tried to calling me - I was suppose be meeting him that evening. While he was worried sick - I ended up with a bladder infection. Before MIRAPEX if I would have started behaving in that manner I would have questioned my sanity the very first time, and can almost bet it would have been my last time too. Infact shortly before I started going to the casino, the time in between initially starting MIRAPEX and my first casino trip, I was lecturing my two youngest sons (18 & 20) about their going to the casino..."Its really not a place you want to hang out at sons, (in an area now believed to be somewhat unsafe and that they weren't raised that way)…and watch it so it doesn’t get out of hand.” I believe my youngest son feels a little guilty today as it was him who brought me to the casino the first time.

It wasn't me, it was the influence of a drug. I can now clearly see that.

And who am I today?

My thoughts since MIRAPEX has not all been about 'going to the casino' - (well kinda) but more recently its "How/when is this nightmare finally going to stop?" Today my heart doesn't so rapidly beat on the way to the casino but now beats ever rapidly when I leave - on the drive home - knowing how much money I just blew AGAIN, knowing that a week before, a month before, if I would have just stopped the further this part of my life would have been from me. Today when I park my car at the casino I'm not running in but take a few minutes to tell myself ..."Make this quick, if you can't - this has to be the last time..." Today I feel shame, not excitement.

But regardless of it all, in order for me to get past this and move on I need to accept responsibility for my actions TODAY and admit I now have a serious gambling problem. The bottom line is despite who or what caused it - the fact remains its here and hasn't just 'gone away.' I can choose to blame MIRAPEX and use it as a rationale why I'm still gambling but that isn't going to solve my problem even if there is some truth in it.

"Hi, my name is 'mirapexvictim' and I'm a gambling addict."

Today it isn't being under the influence of a drug, its me. I can now clearly see that – not really but it just sounds good and kinda flows with what I wrote above. Today is not who I was before MIRAPEX and today is not who I want to be.

How it all began to end with Mirapex (2/09)

Thank god for Belinda. God bless this woman - such a wealth of information on health, vitamins, skin care, RLS - she just knows it all. This woman is completely awesome. I connected up with her a few years ago when my middle son was getting married. I was all stressed out before the wedding and set-up an appointment for a massage. Believe I went to Belinda for 4 sessions during that time. Just loved her...she is the one that got me started on taking Fish Oil supplements...Just yesterday someone at work asked me why I take fish oil and for the life of me couldn't remember WHY I started only know HOW I started - Belinda.


I also don't know why I set-up another series of sessions with her in February of this year. I'm sure it was because of stress again (was DEEP into my gambling)...Whatever it was that got me there again was a total blessing. I know Belinda and her wealth of knowledge saved me from something that was well on the way of eventually absolutely destroying me.


How the subject of RLS came up between the two of us I don't recall...What I do recall is talking about my RLS and how this med "Mirapex" I was taking was great. She jokingly said..."So did you become a sex addict, a gambler, or a compulsive shopper?!?!" I was just in shock....



"What  -    did   -   you    -  just    -  say????"


She proceeded to tell me that, "Yeah, its some of the possible side effects - haven't you seen the commercials for it?" I watch very little TV.


It all immediately made sense in that very moment - there was no contemplating about whether there was a connection to my gambling and the drug. IT WAS THE CONNECTION. Before hearing this I had thought - don't know what I thought as I didn't understand WHY I kept going to the casino, WHY I couldn't stop, WHY I was so obsessed with it, WHY I was letting something like going to the casino destroy me when all through the years I fought so hard to get to the point in my life where I was. I thought it was just me. I thought maybe because I was always SO responsible during the years I was raising my sons that since the youngest had just turned 19…I thought it was just maybe a mid life crisis.


I left Belinda that day with a new set of orders for my RLS ..."Order 'Calm' off the Internet - cheaper than the health food stores" and to use lavender oil on my legs, "get some calcium tabs, eat a banana before bed with a glass of milk..." When I went to give her a tip she looked at me with sympathy and gestured to keep it. I told her - "No take it - I'll just be putting it into a slot machine." I went straight to the health food store (wasn't going to wait for it), purchased calcium tabs…then it was off to the casino.


The next day…while doing a search on the Internet… low and behold I wasn't the only one effected by this drug...I wasn't the only one who was a "gambling Mirapex victim." Found out the side effect was serious enough there were law suits going on about it. Later to find out that the lawsuits going on had to do with the fact THIS side effect was kept hidden from the consumers. I flushed the 14 pills down the toilet I had just picked up - remember looking at the bottle thinking "this is why??" I called my doctors office - left message with his assistant to tell him what happened to me. Excitedly told my boyfriend, my family, my friends..."Can you believe that it was a prescribed drug I've been taking that caused me this insanity?!"



I thought my nightmare was finally over.

How it all started with Mirapex (8/08)

I've suffered from Restless Leg Syndrome http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/restless-legs-syndrome/DS00191 for as long as I can remember. My mother also has been a suffer, and just recently found out my youngest son is starting with the symptoms. For years I just dealt with and accepted it as part of who I am -  not knowing it had a name, not knowing it was a medical condition.

My mother mentioned early in 08' she started taking a med that worked incredible for her RLS.  Believe she is on Requip. Previous to this her doctor prescribed her Vicodin which didn't always work. I initially gave Requip a try but it only lasted a week or two as it made me feel very lethegic the next day.  In June  08' on a plane trip out to Seattle Washington it become my final straw with dealing with my RLS. I went just about nuts on the plane - I was in the middle seat of three - kept having to get up and walk the aisle while apologizing to the poor gentlemen sitting next to me. I was finally sick of  dealing with my RLS... I thought maybe I could give Vicodin a try.


In August 08' during my yearly physcially I told  my doctor about my frustrations and the symptoms (which were on the severe side) and he wrote out the script for Mirapex (just shook his head at my Vicodin thoughts.) We talked about how I tend to react sensitively to meds (Requip being one of them) and that I'd start out on half of the recommended starting dose and work my way up and see how it goes. I even asked the pharmacist if cutting the med in half would be ok (which I stayed on that half dose for pretty much the entire time.)  I read the med side effects sheet the pharmacy gave me -  and don't recall reading anything about gambling, hypersexuality, or any other compulsive behaviors as a potential side effect. If those potential side effects had been listed I can't say I wouldn't have started the med but I would have KNOWN then without a doubt where the hell my obsession with gambling (and sweets) was coming from at 41 yrs of age. If I would have known  my new found fascination with the casino was directly linked to this drug, I would have stopped the med - immediately. However because I didn't get that chance to know,   I continued taking the med oblivious to what it was doing to me beyond  finding great relief to my RLS. I slowly  turned into someone I didn't know, the man I was dating  didn't know, and my family didn't know. I didn't know what was going on with me -  all I knew was..."Damn was it fun going to the casino...and damn if I couldn't stop..." I didn't hide it in the beginning as there was nothing to hide - infact I'd go into work (and to the boyfriend and family) and talk about the casino and this machine I loved playing..."Oh my gosh, the colors and the sounds, and all the wilds when they drop...it is SO MUCH FUN!"

I realize now the one thing I failed to do when I started the drug was to do research on it: If only I would have typed three simple words "Mirapex Side Effects" into a search engine...if only I had a computer at the time. If only I watched TV maybe I would have seen a commerical about it. 

If only I had just continued on dealing with my RLS as I had for years...If only.