Coming out of my ‘Mirapex Fog’ Part 1

In retrospect, during this last month it seems like I had been coming out of my "lingering Mirapex fog” – the 4 months after stopping the med.

This last month: I started having this sincere desire to spend a little time with my sons. I set up times/dates with them when I planned on doing this. Why this would be so strange is because this last year the only desire I really had was to get to the casino…it’s like my thinking slowly started to shift. The other thing I remember about this last month is that after a gambling episode when I’d feel the “When is this going to finally stop” frustrations- I almost felt it – felt the pain within whereas before when I’d say that – while I meant it - I just couldn’t feel it. Hard to explain.

A couple of weeks ago I did spend a few hours listening to my youngest son play his guitar – the absolute love of his life. Almost didn't make it though as I had about 5 minutes between the time I called him (needed directions) and the time he called me back. My thoughts were if I didn't hear from him after filling up with gas I'd go to the casino for a couple of hours THEN go see him (which would have never happened as basically I’d walk into the casino and wouldn’t leave until I was penniless). Anyhow he called before I made it to the gas station. It was awesome to listen to him play (even with fighting some thoughts about going to the casino). He is such a gifted/talented artist. I didn’t go to the casino that night – it truly felt great. I felt so responsible. If this scenario would have been a month previous to this – first I wouldn’t have set up a time to listen to him and if I had – I wouldn’t have had but maybe 60 seconds after calling him before I would have had it in my mind I was going to the casino and I would have gone letting him down one more time.

Then last week I went to visit my oldest son at his work - the love of his life (other than of course his first two loves - his wife and daughter). It was so cool to see my son at work - I am so proud of him - 25 yrs old, a self made-man, a beautiful wife and just the happiest daughter. Remember on this day I really didn’t have the urge/thoughts to go to the casino probably because just the night before I was there (though that never stopped me before). Hoping THAT night becomes thee last night for the record and it wasn’t even an all night’er. If it does become my last trip to the casino that in all this insanity – I couldn’t imagine how I could top it…$$$ spent, the major guilt, the craziness in thought, the suicidal feelings that followed. I even envisioned in my mind “Yep that would work…” looking up at log beam that runs across the center of the boyfriends house and a bar table.  I just hated what I had become – esp the no self control.