Coming out of my Mirapex fog Part 2

These last few weeks have been just odd. 12 days since I've been to the casino - longest length of time since this nightmare started. Just 12 days ago I thought I was going on to be a journey to overcome a gambling addiction (though I'm not kidding myself into thinking that’s its completely over). Just 12 days ago my thoughts were suicidal.

In these last 12 days - oh I've thought about the casino – had a desire to go - but I was able to work through it (mostly by shopping). During the first seven days I was also writing (here) and doing internet searches on Mirapex – all the while sitting with a negative checking account (all due to charges from the checks wrote to the casino). THAT week I was too humbled-too embarrassed (though nobody knew), and thoughts of the casino were replaced with thoughts of having a more stronger desire to get my life back. The next seven days were a little tougher but I can see a major difference in my thinking – Pay day was on Monday - the start of the next 7 days. Instead of making sure the checks I wrote were covered (though I attempted to loan the money) I really wanted the checks to sit there, I really wanted the calls, I really wanted the stress, I really wanted to never have the means to go back there again. The cash I had on me – stayed on me. Normally ‘cash’ would have been a trigger to go. I believe I would have gone if those checks had been paid though. The longer those checks sit there – the better for me.

Part of what has helped me greatly is I had a support that didn’t even realize how they were helping…(for another time).

Told my two youngest sons tonight I think I'm back - "it's over guys...you got your mother back!" My middle son said jokingly, "Darn!" He and I had some fun nights- he's a night owl and didn't mind staying out all night with me - caused a few problems with his wife though. Because my sons ‘live on the way to the casino’ I couldn’t stay long – as the longer I stayed there with them my thoughts were getting stronger about “ah, you can go for just a quick one (never quick)…”

We'll see. Would be strange (actually cool) if this is really it. Must say that for the most part the compulsion/ obsession isn't there anymore - yes thoughts on occasional but NOTHING like it was - even just 12 days ago.

Weird.