...continuing to pick up the pieces...

And once again...I don't know how I managed logging hours AFTER hours on the road to and from the casino as well as the hours I spent inside the casino. In the last month or so with life now returning back to some normalcy - WOW - what a trip I was on in this last year. It was like I checked out and was on drugs. But oh - I was on a drug – its what keep me going – I know I couldn’t do it today – just the thought of wears me out - and can’t see how I did it during this last year except being under the influence of that drug - IT'S what keep me going.

I remember at one point before the boyfriend knew exactly what I was doing and to the extent I was doing it (going to the casino) he actually accused me of being on drugs or seeing someone else. I felt so completely offended.  In one convo when I was too embarrassed to tell him what I was really doing, he insisted that my behavior was that of a drug addict - the secrecy, staying up all night, the behavior changes in me... I told him I wished it was that simple - (as I didn't know what was going on with me)... "Just know its not another man, and I'm not doing drugs..." I couldn't tell him - too embarrassed that his girlfriend was just innocently hanging out at the casino all night.

Anyhow... so here I sit thankful its over, wondering how the hell I did it, and still picking up the pieces...

Work. I didn't lose my job although I believe if the circumstances would have been different without a doubt I would have. I'm in management and during this last year have had very little accountability...so when I'd come in late (sometimes straight from the casino-I’d look like hell) or not even making it in - or when I got behind in my responsibilities there was no one above me keeping tabs on me. Now what prompted me to write this morning is that yesterday it hit me...part of the reason I had no accountability is that before this nightmare started - my work performance was exceptional - so exceptional that when I went through two MAJOR reviews of my work the result ended with a bonus because I had did so well - ME - what I did - WHO I AM - my work ethic – my work performance left the people above me content in knowing that I didn't need a babysitter. Well the story has changed ALOT and its finally catching up with me...reviews are coming up again...and the picture today is not as pretty as it was a year ago.

My thoughts yesterday were, "I wonder if my Mirapex story will hold any weight?!" My work responsibilities are in a complete mess today. Will I be able to dig myself out? Sure – well hoping so anyway - but in the meantime I'm now starting to go through the humiliation of 'why this wasn't done', 'where is the paper work on that'? How did I go from one extreme to the other????? I feel I've let people down who had trust in me. I’ve let myself down. And using MIRAPEX as an excuse just isn't going to cut it.

So thats that. What more can I say?

Just thankful its over, thankful that my mind is back...just wanting to continue to pick up the pieces and move on…