So this last week I had thought about writing about my experience of this last year inside the casino to make it a reality for me but re-thought the idea as I didn't want to seem to glorify it (if a person really could) or make something trigger in the ole brain...wished now maybe I had. I also thought at this time to update my 'info about me' as it didn't look like this was going to end up being about recovering from a gambling addiction (as I originally thought when I created this blog)...BUT better keep it all as it is because I'm not done with this thing apparently. F**K . Found out Friday night I'm not 'all better' nor am I back to normal.
Why me? I don't want to have to deal with this...I don't want some 'addiction' that is attached to who I am as a person. I don't even know what to say. But what I will say is that I WILL get passed this, I WILL learn from this, I WILL somehow grow as a person from this all. I've come to learn what having an addiction is like....wouldn't wish it on anyone.
So on Thursday I paid some towards one $400 debt, and half the overdraft check fees to the casino...and Friday morning was on my way to pay off the other $400 debt...my house apparently did the sheriffs auction thing on Thursday Oct 15th. Boyfriend and I had an 'outs' Friday morning (still don't know if we are going to make it). Friday afternoon I open my mail and in there is something from the mortgage company - thought it was going to be something about the sheriffs auction - nope- notta- instead it was something about 'saving your home' and a home loan modification application - I was so pissed when I read this...left three messages to three different people at the mortgage company... "WHAT IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE??" Should have known that my state of my mind was not stable - excuse -excuse – excuse – EXCUSE.
At times I just want to give up, I really do. This all is too hard. Sure I have a positive attitude most of the time and just roll with the punches - but I'm tired of all the punches. I'm just not strong enough - I don't want to have to be strong enough AGAIN. I'm so tired, I'm so worn out. I had my share of shit to deal with before Mirapex I didn't need one more thing to hold me back. Keep telling myself not to give up but NOTHING changes...seems like one struggle in life after another. I've been so broke this last year - (ironically made the most money I ever have- not by gambling but through working my ass off - it was just gambling that took it all). Been trying here - so hard to see the end to this nightmare- trying to make it through...its been since I was a teenager that I 'almost ran out of gas' - and Thursday morning there I was pulling into the gas station on fumes...just trying to piece it all back together here. Argh.
Yeah I'm feeling real good about myself. As much as I tell myself I can get through this and finish seeing out a few dreams (my education, my sons, my life)...I don't know. Dont know if I have any more fight in me. My head feels so messed up. Thought how nice it would be to go to the doctor - to get help getting through this – still dealing with major RLS – would love to get back on Wellbutrion (which I lost my health insurance because I didn’t pay the premium but instead put it into a fricken slot machine) - I went off Wellbrution cold turkey - but HEY I still had Mirapex still floating through my brain to keep me going-lucky lucky me).
Whatever. This is just the story of my life. good gawd.
Friday morning I requested a copy of my last physical from the doctor - the appointment he prescribed Mirapex...wanted the copy so I could join 'Curves' as this month if you bring in a recent copy of your last physical you don't need to pay the membership fees. Planned on starting Curves in November. Hoping I still can. Anyhow received the transcript Saturday morning...(the night after my little relapse.)
interesting…
July 18 2008 … “She has used Chantix in the past, but found that the 1 milligram does was too strong. She’s also used Requip for restlessleg and was quite groggy the following morning after taking Requip and therefore, stopped it.” … “ Begin Mirapex 0.125 mg daily x 5 days, then 0.25 mg daily x 5 days, then 0.5mg daily.”
Why me? I don't want to have to deal with this...I don't want some 'addiction' that is attached to who I am as a person. I don't even know what to say. But what I will say is that I WILL get passed this, I WILL learn from this, I WILL somehow grow as a person from this all. I've come to learn what having an addiction is like....wouldn't wish it on anyone.
So on Thursday I paid some towards one $400 debt, and half the overdraft check fees to the casino...and Friday morning was on my way to pay off the other $400 debt...my house apparently did the sheriffs auction thing on Thursday Oct 15th. Boyfriend and I had an 'outs' Friday morning (still don't know if we are going to make it). Friday afternoon I open my mail and in there is something from the mortgage company - thought it was going to be something about the sheriffs auction - nope- notta- instead it was something about 'saving your home' and a home loan modification application - I was so pissed when I read this...left three messages to three different people at the mortgage company... "WHAT IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE??" Should have known that my state of my mind was not stable - excuse -excuse – excuse – EXCUSE.
At times I just want to give up, I really do. This all is too hard. Sure I have a positive attitude most of the time and just roll with the punches - but I'm tired of all the punches. I'm just not strong enough - I don't want to have to be strong enough AGAIN. I'm so tired, I'm so worn out. I had my share of shit to deal with before Mirapex I didn't need one more thing to hold me back. Keep telling myself not to give up but NOTHING changes...seems like one struggle in life after another. I've been so broke this last year - (ironically made the most money I ever have- not by gambling but through working my ass off - it was just gambling that took it all). Been trying here - so hard to see the end to this nightmare- trying to make it through...its been since I was a teenager that I 'almost ran out of gas' - and Thursday morning there I was pulling into the gas station on fumes...just trying to piece it all back together here. Argh.
Yeah I'm feeling real good about myself. As much as I tell myself I can get through this and finish seeing out a few dreams (my education, my sons, my life)...I don't know. Dont know if I have any more fight in me. My head feels so messed up. Thought how nice it would be to go to the doctor - to get help getting through this – still dealing with major RLS – would love to get back on Wellbutrion (which I lost my health insurance because I didn’t pay the premium but instead put it into a fricken slot machine) - I went off Wellbrution cold turkey - but HEY I still had Mirapex still floating through my brain to keep me going-lucky lucky me).
Whatever. This is just the story of my life. good gawd.
Friday morning I requested a copy of my last physical from the doctor - the appointment he prescribed Mirapex...wanted the copy so I could join 'Curves' as this month if you bring in a recent copy of your last physical you don't need to pay the membership fees. Planned on starting Curves in November. Hoping I still can. Anyhow received the transcript Saturday morning...(the night after my little relapse.)
interesting…
July 18 2008 … “She has used Chantix in the past, but found that the 1 milligram does was too strong. She’s also used Requip for restlessleg and was quite groggy the following morning after taking Requip and therefore, stopped it.” … “ Begin Mirapex 0.125 mg daily x 5 days, then 0.25 mg daily x 5 days, then 0.5mg daily.”
February 19 2009... “Patient d/c’d Mirapex 2 days ago because of side effect of compulsive behavior has been gambling past 5 mos.” Will try magnesium for restlessleg".
If I hadn’t started that drug where would I be today??? Sitting here wanting to bury my head?
My granddaughter is starting to say her first words. Today she said “Hi!" when I called my son – her 'Hi' was so clear thought it was my daughter-in-law : ) They're hoping to see me today.
The boyfriend and I (he’s still cute regardless if I feel he has no understanding or compassion of my life) haven’t spoke since yesterday afternoon…I feel like such a piece of shit right now, feel like just giving up. But if I do give up where would that leave me…any better off? And how does one give up?? Have to laugh as when I was walking out the casino doors REALLY feeling like shit - I was thinking… “I just want to die right now but I don’t even have any money left to buy a piece of rope!” I wasn’t laughing however after that moment as I had the fimiliar drove home thoughts.
I may be able to find a little humor in this ONLY because of who I am – who I’ve always been. Told the boyfriend yesterday that I may appear to be a worthless piece of shit because of my life – but who I am as a person, MY character – the core of who I am – I like and wouldn’t’ want to change. Some things in life a person can change but character isn’t one of them. It’s just my luck though that life likes to throw not only curves balls into mine but fast balls as well – damn never could catch a ball or run for that matter.
Alright…this is my story, my blog I will write what I want… this is my recovery. There are a few people who are just lucky my lot in life is that I can’t catch balls or that I can’t run. But it has never stopped me from trying. I will get through this. I will.
And this is a message sent out into the universe to those that knew WAY long ago what Mirapex was all about but because of the mighty dollar and their lack of conscience and character.... I wish the day on you that it ALL is revealed – I hope everyone involved is exposed and held accountable EVEN if its JUST wanting to buy YOURSELF a piece of rope. Bet you wont be finding any humor in it either... YOU are responsible for destroying lives - I on the otherhand - I’M just a struggling human being (now with a flipping addiction.)
If I hadn’t started that drug where would I be today??? Sitting here wanting to bury my head?
My granddaughter is starting to say her first words. Today she said “Hi!" when I called my son – her 'Hi' was so clear thought it was my daughter-in-law : ) They're hoping to see me today.
The boyfriend and I (he’s still cute regardless if I feel he has no understanding or compassion of my life) haven’t spoke since yesterday afternoon…I feel like such a piece of shit right now, feel like just giving up. But if I do give up where would that leave me…any better off? And how does one give up?? Have to laugh as when I was walking out the casino doors REALLY feeling like shit - I was thinking… “I just want to die right now but I don’t even have any money left to buy a piece of rope!” I wasn’t laughing however after that moment as I had the fimiliar drove home thoughts.
I may be able to find a little humor in this ONLY because of who I am – who I’ve always been. Told the boyfriend yesterday that I may appear to be a worthless piece of shit because of my life – but who I am as a person, MY character – the core of who I am – I like and wouldn’t’ want to change. Some things in life a person can change but character isn’t one of them. It’s just my luck though that life likes to throw not only curves balls into mine but fast balls as well – damn never could catch a ball or run for that matter.
Alright…this is my story, my blog I will write what I want… this is my recovery. There are a few people who are just lucky my lot in life is that I can’t catch balls or that I can’t run. But it has never stopped me from trying. I will get through this. I will.
And this is a message sent out into the universe to those that knew WAY long ago what Mirapex was all about but because of the mighty dollar and their lack of conscience and character.... I wish the day on you that it ALL is revealed – I hope everyone involved is exposed and held accountable EVEN if its JUST wanting to buy YOURSELF a piece of rope. Bet you wont be finding any humor in it either... YOU are responsible for destroying lives - I on the otherhand - I’M just a struggling human being (now with a flipping addiction.)
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