just another venting

Not that this means anything to anyone – need to continually remind myself that this is MY journey – I have giving a few people this website – not sure who is reading or not…but I can’t let those thoughts stop me on MY journey…I got to get over this no matter what it looks like to others, right now I DON’T CARE. It’s not about anyone but ME-MY LIFE.

Ok… I’m thinking the reason why I continued to gamble (up until almost 60 days ago) after stopping the med was because in fact I also stopped another med at the same time - Wellbutrion. Cold – on both of them. THATS the connection as to why I continued right on. For me, it explains it. Don’t care what is said that I should be back to normal – or should have just bounced back to normal after stopping Mirapex (ah, that normal was I DIDN’T FLIPPING GAMBLE OR HAVE ANY DESIRE TO). NO I’m not back to my normal and I don’t care what is said about that I should be – CAUSE I’M NOT. And who is saying this any ways??? The people responsible? Oh no, I need to now join GA cause I have a gambling problem!! I’m not suppose to have a problem here – I’m suppose to be back to normal. THEN WHY AINT I?

I didn’t want this, didn’t ask for it and I’ll be damn if its what takes me down. Could have thought of a lot of other ways to spend my money and time if I was going to end up with an addiction, and hanging out at the casino would not have been at the top of my list.

Whatever. Just now need to figure out why in February when I found out about the connection to taking Mirapex...that while initially I quit taking it (flushed the meds down the toilet) did I then continue to take the drug until April or May?? I thought I quit in February but my pharmacy records are showing otherwise. Need to take another good look at them. Why did I go and get the prescription refilled???? I know I continued to gamble after stopping Mirapex initially in February – and as I’ve said – it just didn’t ‘go away.’ Remember however still dealing with my RLS - BAD at that time - Mirapex was and has been to this point the only real relief. Was it because I was still gambling anyhow and since I wasn’t suppose to still have the desire - and still did and because I was still dealing with my RLS did I just think WTF - it really wasn’t because of the med but because I had some flaw??

I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s all screwed up. It’s all a bunch of bs. The pharmaceuticals, the shoulds – the shouldn’ts …and who cares right ? – its not anyone else’s life but mine.

Which reminds me I need to call the FDA to report it – WHY haven’t I done that yet either?

Good gawd. I want back my mind, I want back who I was, I want back my MONEY, I want back the year of my life I lost, I want back the time I could have spent being with my granddaughter, I want back what people used to think of me, I want back my health insurance, I want back my house, I WANT BACK MY LIFE before MIRAPEX.