...continuing to pick up the pieces...

And once again...I don't know how I managed logging hours AFTER hours on the road to and from the casino as well as the hours I spent inside the casino. In the last month or so with life now returning back to some normalcy - WOW - what a trip I was on in this last year. It was like I checked out and was on drugs. But oh - I was on a drug – its what keep me going – I know I couldn’t do it today – just the thought of wears me out - and can’t see how I did it during this last year except being under the influence of that drug - IT'S what keep me going.

I remember at one point before the boyfriend knew exactly what I was doing and to the extent I was doing it (going to the casino) he actually accused me of being on drugs or seeing someone else. I felt so completely offended.  In one convo when I was too embarrassed to tell him what I was really doing, he insisted that my behavior was that of a drug addict - the secrecy, staying up all night, the behavior changes in me... I told him I wished it was that simple - (as I didn't know what was going on with me)... "Just know its not another man, and I'm not doing drugs..." I couldn't tell him - too embarrassed that his girlfriend was just innocently hanging out at the casino all night.

Anyhow... so here I sit thankful its over, wondering how the hell I did it, and still picking up the pieces...

Work. I didn't lose my job although I believe if the circumstances would have been different without a doubt I would have. I'm in management and during this last year have had very little accountability...so when I'd come in late (sometimes straight from the casino-I’d look like hell) or not even making it in - or when I got behind in my responsibilities there was no one above me keeping tabs on me. Now what prompted me to write this morning is that yesterday it hit me...part of the reason I had no accountability is that before this nightmare started - my work performance was exceptional - so exceptional that when I went through two MAJOR reviews of my work the result ended with a bonus because I had did so well - ME - what I did - WHO I AM - my work ethic – my work performance left the people above me content in knowing that I didn't need a babysitter. Well the story has changed ALOT and its finally catching up with me...reviews are coming up again...and the picture today is not as pretty as it was a year ago.

My thoughts yesterday were, "I wonder if my Mirapex story will hold any weight?!" My work responsibilities are in a complete mess today. Will I be able to dig myself out? Sure – well hoping so anyway - but in the meantime I'm now starting to go through the humiliation of 'why this wasn't done', 'where is the paper work on that'? How did I go from one extreme to the other????? I feel I've let people down who had trust in me. I’ve let myself down. And using MIRAPEX as an excuse just isn't going to cut it.

So thats that. What more can I say?

Just thankful its over, thankful that my mind is back...just wanting to continue to pick up the pieces and move on…

Another face of a Mirapex victim

I'm feeling a little conflicted on whether I want to include this link or information on my blog because of the nature of it. I do not want to seem condoning as to this mans actions however regardless of the nature of it - the FACT is.... here is the face of another Mirapex victim. Not only does this article point out to me its just not the primary victims who are affected but there are also secondary victims as well - just as completely innocent. I'm just sick to my stomach all around.

The main focus on the serious side effects of Mirapex have been on the complusive out of control gambling... but as I have noted somewhere else - "What about those too embarrassed to tell their story...the ones that maybe didn't gamble but had out of control urges in relation to hypersexuality?" A young man was molested because of this wicked flipping drug. Two more lives destroyed.

HOW MANY MORE VICTIMS OF THIS DRUG ARE OUT THERE????????

HOW MANY MORE STORIES WITH TWISTED TURNS HAS 'MIRAPEX' AS THE CENTRAL THEME?????????

http://m.naplesnews.com/news/2009/sep/03/former-dentist-gets-10-years-teen-molestation-tria/

Its been something like 40 days now.

I haven't kept up on this blog like I've wanted to or planned to. I started night classes which are keeping me pretty busy. In one of my classes, 'Research Methods' I have the opportunity to write a paper on MIRAPEX  and to give a formal presentation - going for the aspect of its history - nothing personal - just the facts.  Not sure yet how I see that coming together.... Just hope I can put something together!! For anyone reading this – please send positive energy my way as I want to tell the world about this drug – and what was kept hidden about it and even if it’s just to a group of 15 college students and my professor who is also a  counselor - I want this nightmare to be heard.


I haven't been struggling with the desire to gamble AT ALL!! Yeah, every once in awhile the thought goes through my head I would love to go - I play the mind game I think I could just 'stop in' for a few now that I'm all better : ) BUT honestly I'm scared to death to know if I'm not truly all better and back to where I was before this nightmare started. I paid my bad checks wrote to the casino, still owe the overdraft fees however, have two more 400.00 debts to pay, my house will be on Sheriffs auction Oct 15th, and waiting for them to come get my car anyday. Other than that - must say that life is good today : )

 Wicked, wicked drug.


I just want to be my normal again. I don't want to have ANY thoughts of going to the casino.


In the last month I've had email correspondence with a woman who lost the right to self govern and ended up with a guardian because of MIRAPEX. I've also had email correspondence with another woman who recently attempted suicide because of MIRAPEX. I’ve followed a blog by Tammy Rothwell – another Mirapex Victim.

http://www.livevideo.com/video/NorthAmericanAuthor/6D85EC4EBD4D48909137554536FE6294/i-am-tammy-rothwell-and-i-am-a.aspx

There are many of us out there and while our stories may not be the same - what this drug did to us is.


I may not be posting at this time as much as I’d like. But oh, I’m so not done yet!!

Been something like 19 days

Going on three weeks since I've been to the casino. The other morning I woke up dead tired and the thought crossed my mind "How did I do it?? Staying up all night, driving an hour home, going to work..."  So glad that it seems to be over - AND so glad that it also seems to be coming to pass that I won't be fighting an addiction - thank god.

Coming out of my Mirapex fog Part 2

These last few weeks have been just odd. 12 days since I've been to the casino - longest length of time since this nightmare started. Just 12 days ago I thought I was going on to be a journey to overcome a gambling addiction (though I'm not kidding myself into thinking that’s its completely over). Just 12 days ago my thoughts were suicidal.

In these last 12 days - oh I've thought about the casino – had a desire to go - but I was able to work through it (mostly by shopping). During the first seven days I was also writing (here) and doing internet searches on Mirapex – all the while sitting with a negative checking account (all due to charges from the checks wrote to the casino). THAT week I was too humbled-too embarrassed (though nobody knew), and thoughts of the casino were replaced with thoughts of having a more stronger desire to get my life back. The next seven days were a little tougher but I can see a major difference in my thinking – Pay day was on Monday - the start of the next 7 days. Instead of making sure the checks I wrote were covered (though I attempted to loan the money) I really wanted the checks to sit there, I really wanted the calls, I really wanted the stress, I really wanted to never have the means to go back there again. The cash I had on me – stayed on me. Normally ‘cash’ would have been a trigger to go. I believe I would have gone if those checks had been paid though. The longer those checks sit there – the better for me.

Part of what has helped me greatly is I had a support that didn’t even realize how they were helping…(for another time).

Told my two youngest sons tonight I think I'm back - "it's over guys...you got your mother back!" My middle son said jokingly, "Darn!" He and I had some fun nights- he's a night owl and didn't mind staying out all night with me - caused a few problems with his wife though. Because my sons ‘live on the way to the casino’ I couldn’t stay long – as the longer I stayed there with them my thoughts were getting stronger about “ah, you can go for just a quick one (never quick)…”

We'll see. Would be strange (actually cool) if this is really it. Must say that for the most part the compulsion/ obsession isn't there anymore - yes thoughts on occasional but NOTHING like it was - even just 12 days ago.

Weird.

'Consumer Reports' entertaining view on drug commericals

I came across this Consumer Reports video about Requip (on the same lines of MIRAPEX) while searching for when the commercial ads for the drug MIRAPEX starting running.

At first watching the video I felt a little offended (comes across as mocking RLS), then I started laughing – Consumer Reports did a great job at pointing out the silliness of this drug commercial and as well laughing along when the commentator said something on the lines about not knowing it was a medical condition until it was pointed out… 'I didn't know what I had was a medical condition until it was pointed out to me that I had 'RLS'. 


THEN I cried.

Unfortunately I never saw this commercial or ones like it (for Mirapex). 

Keep up the good work Consumer Reports!! Thanks for the smile today.

http://blogs.consumerreports.org/health/2007/11/finally-an-anti.html

Coming out of my ‘Mirapex Fog’ Part 1

In retrospect, during this last month it seems like I had been coming out of my "lingering Mirapex fog” – the 4 months after stopping the med.

This last month: I started having this sincere desire to spend a little time with my sons. I set up times/dates with them when I planned on doing this. Why this would be so strange is because this last year the only desire I really had was to get to the casino…it’s like my thinking slowly started to shift. The other thing I remember about this last month is that after a gambling episode when I’d feel the “When is this going to finally stop” frustrations- I almost felt it – felt the pain within whereas before when I’d say that – while I meant it - I just couldn’t feel it. Hard to explain.

A couple of weeks ago I did spend a few hours listening to my youngest son play his guitar – the absolute love of his life. Almost didn't make it though as I had about 5 minutes between the time I called him (needed directions) and the time he called me back. My thoughts were if I didn't hear from him after filling up with gas I'd go to the casino for a couple of hours THEN go see him (which would have never happened as basically I’d walk into the casino and wouldn’t leave until I was penniless). Anyhow he called before I made it to the gas station. It was awesome to listen to him play (even with fighting some thoughts about going to the casino). He is such a gifted/talented artist. I didn’t go to the casino that night – it truly felt great. I felt so responsible. If this scenario would have been a month previous to this – first I wouldn’t have set up a time to listen to him and if I had – I wouldn’t have had but maybe 60 seconds after calling him before I would have had it in my mind I was going to the casino and I would have gone letting him down one more time.

Then last week I went to visit my oldest son at his work - the love of his life (other than of course his first two loves - his wife and daughter). It was so cool to see my son at work - I am so proud of him - 25 yrs old, a self made-man, a beautiful wife and just the happiest daughter. Remember on this day I really didn’t have the urge/thoughts to go to the casino probably because just the night before I was there (though that never stopped me before). Hoping THAT night becomes thee last night for the record and it wasn’t even an all night’er. If it does become my last trip to the casino that in all this insanity – I couldn’t imagine how I could top it…$$$ spent, the major guilt, the craziness in thought, the suicidal feelings that followed. I even envisioned in my mind “Yep that would work…” looking up at log beam that runs across the center of the boyfriends house and a bar table.  I just hated what I had become – esp the no self control.